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The EuphOff

The EuphOff

Sponsored by the lovely Chintz Curtain!

The EuphOff challenge? – create a 500 word story using purple prose of the worst kind. Can Oleander pass up such a challenge? Oh, I think you already know the answer to that. Besides, today is Erotic World Book Day, and what better way to celebrate than with a naughty bit of reading material?

So – with bosom heaving – I proudly rip open my bodice and give you this:


One Day at the Palace

by Destiny Token-Steele (aka: Oleander Plume)


Lord Kingsford was perched atop his mighty steed, leather boots gleaming like wet baby seals in the sun.

“You there, wench! Fetch me some water so that I may slake my thirst!”

“Yes, Master!”

In my haste, I tripped and landed face down. My petticoats rose to the occasion, exposing my ivory buttocks to the glorious spring sun and the azure orbs of my Master.

“Oh dear!”

I struggled to rise, but only revealed more of my lady rump. Could my Master see the pools of honey that dripped from my love nest whenever he was near?

“Don’t move, wench! The flowing brine from your sweet oyster ditch shall quench the thirst in my throat and throbbing meat sword!”

“Master! Please! Taste the river that flows from my tender tulip!”

The kiss of his tongue ignited the flames of my passion furnace! My blossom opened – only for him – for he was my destiny!

“Prepare yourself wench for a hot ride on my baloney pony!”

My Master’s love dart was poised at the entrance of my pleasure cave, when Hans the stable boy burst onto the scene.

“Master! No! Do not sully your pristine pink helmet with that skank’s dirty panty hamster!” He dropped his breeches and bent over. “Send your dachshund down my tight badger hole instead!”

“No, Master! Spear me with your Cupid’s sword! My sugar walls will send you to heaven!”

My Master slicked both index fingers with his mouth dew. “Whom ever has the tighter Fuckingham Palace will be the winner of my wiener.”

Oh! The touch of his manly digit invading my quivering quim made me weep with joy. How I’d longed for this, for my Master and I to be one!

“Sorry, wench, but your clam has been opened a few too many times! Hans, on the other hand, is tighter than a train window!” My Master snapped his fingers at Lars, his manservant. “Fetch the Royal Lube, Lars and grease up my nine iron, looks like I’ll be putting from the rough today!”

Lars knelt before my Master and reverently coated his majestic ivory tower until it glistened like diamonds in the moonlight! Hans cooed like a dove as my Master plunged inside Hans’ love bud!

I leaned back and polished my pearl while raindrops of melancholy rolled down my cheeks! Then, like a shining beacon, I saw Hank the lumberjack sprinting towards me.

“Fear not, fair maiden! I will gladly fill your clown car with my mighty axe!”

Hank! The only man who could fill me properly! I spread my blushing thighs and begged to be taken, begged with my eyes, my mouth and my yawning pink cavern.

My Master and Hans both gaped at Hank’s fourteen-inch axe handle, while my heaving bosom swelled with pride.

“That’s some fine oyster shucker you have, my Lord,” Hans said breathlessly.

“Lucky for you, I have the stamina of ten men,” Hank boasted.

My Master snapped his fingers. “Lars, more lube!”


Please click the coffee bean to read more hilarious escapades from other lovely writers, you won’t be sorry, I promise!

This Post Has 21 Comments
  1. Oh, Oleander, er, sorry, Destiny! This is a #EuphOff triumph! I can almost see the cover art: open-necked poet shirts, dripping oysters, roughly hewn axe handles … all set against a lurid pink backdrop and the looming facade of Fuckingham Palace. *sigh*

    There are so many gems in this but my favourite? My absolute favourite? “Send your dachshund down my tight badger hole”. I’m never going to look at those poor little sausage dogs the same way again!

    Thank you so much for joining in. You’ve tallywhacked the love muffin out of the park.


    1. Thanks Jane for all the kind words! I’m so glad you thought of this idea, it was so much fun, I might make it a regular thing! Shh – I have an autographed photo of Fabio (famed bodice ripper cover model) on the wall in my office. He was my inspiration for Lord Kingsford. In fact, one one of the Lord’s lines (after he tastes the wench’s wares) was going to be “Mmmm, I can’t believe it’s not butter.” Unfortunately, that ended up on the cutting room floor.

  2. Yours was the first #EuphOff story I read and I barely made it through due to the tears I had to keep swiping. Every single line is a gem and “tighter than a train window” is more perfect that perfect. I really was having a bad day yesterday and your piece shot me out of my black mood like a love cannon, if you will. 🙂

  3. I’m thoroughly impressed with the menagerie presented in this story. Dachshunds, panty hamsters, badgers, baloney ponies, oysters and even a cooing dove!

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