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The EuphOff Part Deux

The EuphOff Part Deux

First of all, my apologies. Second of all, my apologies.

According to the very lovely Jane Gilbert (Behind the Chintz Curtain), this second round of the Euphoff is my fault. *snickers in an evil fashion*

Moi? Instigate shenanigans? Yeah, okay, sounds like me. Any who, I was compelled, (No driven!) to create another horrible, terrible and downright tasteless bit of erotica. Please don’t hate me.

Literally Literary

“Penny for your thoughts, Devon.”

If Rodney knew what I was thinking, he’d be sans serif and begging for my dagger. Normally, I’d be all over that puff piece, but we have a deadline that’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

“Keep your eyes peeled for widows and orphans, Rod.” I’m scanning copy faster than green grass through a goose, while that clock ticks toward midnight. Tick-tick-tick. My eyelids are wearing lead weights. “Damn, but I could go for a cup o’ joe.”

“On it like rust on a Pinto, Devon.”

I watch his backslash wiggle to the coffeemaker and my dick gets stiffer than Aunt Sally’s mashed potatoes. The man has a layout you could take a bullet for.

“Cream and sugar?” Rodney asks

“I wouldn’t mind creaming your sugar,” I mutter to myself but Rod has ears that rival a Peruvian fruit bat.

“I’ve been waiting a crow’s age to hear you say that!”

Fuck that deadline. Fuck it like a speed-dating jackrabbit. I’ve got better things to scan, Rodney’s hot front matter, for example. His clothes melt off like butter on the Fourth of July and I almost drop the marmalade. I’m hung, but Rodney’s no dead donkey, either.

“Get over here and let me suck that masthead!” Rodney splays across my desk, legs up in a V, mouth in an O. “Damn baby, your nut graf is bald as an egg!”

“I don’t care for a rough gutter, so I wax,” he says. I lick his silky sack before moving above the fold to inhale his dingbat. “Suck my font, Devon, suck it!”

I let Rodney’s deckhed tickle my tonsils until he begs for insertion. “Yeah, baby, I’m going to verb your noun until you scream adjectives.”

Quick as a wink, he’s bent over my desk. I part his brackets and lick his at sign like an all-day sucker.

“Stop teasing! Point your cursor at my asterisk and shove!”

“Patience, let me ink my quill first.”

I grease my dick until its slicker than a convenience store parking lot. “Is your colon ready to meet my exclamation point?”

“Do it, already! Don’t just leave me here to flush and hang!”

I reach around and stroke his dangling participle while I dig into his back matter. No other throbbing love tunnel has ever felt this tight.

“You’re in my alley so deep, my backspace key is singing!” Rodney’s wailing like a lovesick tomcat and I’m about to fill his inkwell when the office door slams open.

“Stop the presses!” Jack the head editor bellows.

I stop pumping and give Jack the stink eye. “We’re still writing our own warm-and-wonder, you’ll have to wait.”

“Fine.” Jack unzips and jerks his squib. The sight of that manly pen gives me ideas.

I nod to my backside. “Care for a double truck?”

“I’ve been waiting a crow’s age to hear you say that,” Jack says.


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EuphOff part 2


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PS: The lovely and talented Exhibit A did a fantastic audio version of this story. Unfortunately, the plug-in I used crashed. As soon as I find a replacement plug-in, you’ll be able to hear the story again, I promise.

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